Writing

Just once, drive a convertible in the dead of winter with the top down — but also have the heat on full blast.

If an animal is endangered, it’s already extinct.

There’s no such thing as a bad pie — unless it has meat in it. But if it has meat in it, it’s not really a pie. So, again, there’s no such thing as a bad pie.

When telling a story, don’t let facts get in the way of truth.

To appreciate the city, go to the country. To appreciate the country, go to the country.

Bagpipes are like salt: Usually unnecessary, occasionally mandatory.

Not even one out of 100 English speakers knows what the word “dirigible” means. Don’t use it unless you want to show off — and knowing what “dirigible” means is not a reason to show off.

It’s a crime against humanity to waste an early morning.

People who tell you that you look tired and should get more sleep are among the worst in the world. As if you don’t already know you need sleep. As if you don’t already know you’re exhausted. As if you don’t already know you’re mere minutes away from disintegrating into nothing. Also, maybe you should take a nap.

You have the right to be a smug asshole. Everyone else has the right to hate smug assholes.